The Trial of Ken Fisher for Crimes Against Annuities

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Mr. Fisher, please accept my thanks for your appearance today in my imagination for the purposes of conducting this trial. And congratulations on building a large and successful RIA firm. Through your firm’s ubiquitous, multimodal advertising, and your frequent appearances on television, you’ve become a well-known public figure. This is truly noteworthy.

I have charged you with crimes against annuities. I will begin this proceeding by expressing my gratitude for your anti-annuity advertising campaign including its famous tagline, “I hate annuities and you should too!”

Mr. Fisher, I am going to try to make you less of an annuity hater. I certainly do not want to see you risk eternal damnation in light of your passionate declaration, “I would die and go to hell before I would sell an annuity.” That is a stiffer penalty than any annuity surrender charge. But I’ll take you at your word that you’d prefer to throw away your own life rather than ever see one of your clients acquire an annuity.

For the purposes of this article, Mr. Fisher, I am putting you on trial for your advertising which I judge to be truly disgusting and not aligned with the financial well-being of your clients. I charge you with the following offenses:

1. Misleading the public in a manner that causes incomplete or inaccurate understanding of annuities;

2. Issuing a blanket condemnation that misrepresents the features and benefits of many annuities; and

3. Depriving at least some of your clients the continuing income they will need to meet their essential expenses in retirement.