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A common pattern for couples who are trying to manage their spending goes like this: The partners sit down together, look at the numbers, lay out a spending plan, and agree on what has to change. This works for a few weeks. Then either or both slip back into old behaviors, and there’s a fight about money.
A typical dynamic is that one partner spends more than the budget allows, while the other worries about credit card debt and saving for retirement. It’s also common for the saver to keep track of the accounts and pay the bills, while the spender avoids the details and day-to-day tasks around managing money.
Who is at fault? The obvious answer is the spender. The partners might even agree on this, with the spender saying some version of “I’m the problem.” This may end the argument and even sound like accountability, but it doesn’t resolve anything. Nor is it accurate. The saver and the spender built the pattern together, and it continues because each of them gets something out of it.
The saver’s root emotion is likely to be fear of running out of money. Watching every dollar keeps that fear manageable. The spender’s root emotion is often loneliness or resentment based in a sense of deprivation. Spending temporarily relieves those emotions. Both partners’ behaviors contribute to a cycle. When the spender overspends, the saver gets to be the responsible one, which soothes their fear. When the saver tries to control the spending, the spender feels resentful, which leads to more spending. The pattern is uncomfortable, but it is familiar, and the brain treats familiar as safe.
Beyond the Spreadsheet
This emotional cycle is one of the reasons that spending spreadsheets and planning sessions are often not enough to help couples change. For about one in five couples, the trouble really is information. They don’t know where the money is going, they see the reality of their spending, they adjust, and the problem is solved. In most cases, though, focusing on the numbers is not the answer, and holding another budget meeting is a way of avoiding the harder emotional work.
What actually moves people is rarely a better spreadsheet. One financial therapist watched two friends fight about their budget for months. One point of contention was the husband’s complicated spreadsheet that the wife found difficult to understand. The therapist suggested they try an app with clearer visuals. The wife had no interest. Six months later, the wife asked about downloading the app. Using it helped the couple resolve their conflict.
What had changed? The wife’s commitment to understanding their finances and doing something different. She saw how much pain their pattern was causing her husband and decided she no longer wanted to contribute to that pain.
A Strategy for Breakthrough
There is a strategy couples can use to help make room for this kind of “aha” moment. Both partners agree to try a small experiment. Pick one relatively minor money habit – not one that carries a lot of emotional weight. Change it for two weeks. If one of you checks account balances every morning, stop checking. If one of you clears every purchase over $50 with the other, stop asking. Agree not to judge, criticize, or even comment on each other’s behavior. There is no passing or failing. The only assignment is for each partner to notice what emotions come up when the habit changes.
If the two weeks go smoothly, you have a starting point to build a new pattern. If not, you have a starting point to explore and resolve the emotional pain behind the cycle so you can then begin to build a new pattern.
Read more by Rick Kahler:
Rick Kahler, MS, CFP®, CFT™, CeFT®, is the founder of Kahler Financial Group, a Rapid City, SD-based fee-only Registered Investment Advisor.
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Advisor Perspectives welcomes guest contributions. The views presented here do not necessarily represent those of Advisor Perspectives.