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For decades I have watched couples come undone over money. In many cases, red flags warning of money conflicts could have been identified long before they married. Such signals are not as obvious as differences in net worth or income levels; they are in the deeper, emotional reasons that drive controlling, avoidant, or obsessive behaviors around money.
The problem is that many people, while dating and considering potential life partners, miss these deeper signals. Dating apps, for example, match profiles built around clients’ stated preferences. These might include criteria such as having a professional career in certain fields, being financially responsible, or earning above a certain income level. Yet what looks like financial compatibility can be misleading.
Two people who both seek partners who are financially stable or high earners could appear well matched. Yet one of them may carry money scripts that equate wealth and spending with status. The other may hold a belief that financial security is equated to extreme frugality. The superficially similar financial goals actually are driven by contradictory beliefs that are almost certain to result in conflict if the two form a relationship.
Even people whose money beliefs and behaviors align more closely are not necessarily an ideal match. Partners whose predominant money scripts fall into the money vigilance category may both track expenses, openly discuss finances, and hold similar values around saving. But rigid vigilance can foster chronic anxiety that prevents them from using their financial resources to enjoy their life together.
From Healing to Relationship Readiness
Kristine Anthis, Ph.D., a couples therapist trained in Internal Family Systems™ therapy, has taken this awareness a step further. After working with many couples in deep pain whose relationships had been damaged by money conflicts, she began to focus on helping people prevent such damage in the first place. She became a certified matchmaker. Her agency, IFS Dating & Matchmaking, helps clients address their own money issues before starting to build a relationship.
