Beverly Flaxington is a practice management consultant. She answers questions from advisors facing human resource issues. To submit yours, email us here.
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Dear Bev,
Have you encountered advisors who work with clients they don’t like? I have a new client who was referred by a long-time client, for whom I have great respect. He asked if I would work with a colleague of his who had recently gone through a divorce and had some significant wealth.
I met with this gentleman, “Guy,” and we had a good meeting. He clearly needed help that we could provide. He engaged us about three months ago. Based on the time we’ve worked together, I do not enjoy or like him. He is a big gun-nut and many meetings all he wants to do is talk about his guns. In a recent meeting, I made the error (I learned later it was an error) of asking him about legacy and about philanthropy. I won’t use his exact language (because your editor would strike it), but he isn’t someone who wants to give money away to anyone. He became enraged that I would suggest his money should take care of “namby-pamby’s” who don’t work for what they have. I did not suggest a charity, or talk about the importance of giving money away; I inquired as part of our process if he wanted to explore this.
I made a mistake in taking on Guy. But I don’t know how to undo it without making my client look bad. I fear Guy is the type of person who would go back and take it out on my client.
Is there a way to manage this? Do other advisors deal with this and what strategies are there to minimize the impact? I suck down a handful of Tums every time I get off Zoom or the phone with Guy. Luckily, he is a couple of states away, so we don’t have many in-person meetings, except when I first met him. But even with the distance he upsets me very much.
G.A.
Dear G.A.,
I’m taking from your note that you would fire this individual if you could, but the blowback on your original client might be severe and you do not want to create an issue for him/her and you value this relationship very much. I respect this. Let’s look at ways to deal with Guy that, at least for now, don’t involve asking him to leave the firm.
To answer one of your questions, many of my advisor clients have clients of their own they aren’t particularly fond of. In fact, when I train on active listening, advisors will share they struggle to listen because some clients are boring, they don’t enjoy the interaction, or they don’t connect well with them. There are also many advisors who only work with people they like, but it is the human condition we are going to come across people who trigger us where we have to work harder to make the relationship effective.
One of the things you are keying in on from your note is the difference in values. This is important to understand because we all have preferred values. I work with something called “driving forces,” which shows my top four values or motivators out of a possible group of 12. If my top values are your bottom ones, we are going to have a hard time seeing eye to eye. When you talk about Guy’s reaction to your inquiry about legacy or gifting, you see a difference emerge in values. You believe it is important to review and discuss and he finds the entire concept offensive. This can happen to us inadvertently. Try to see that your values – with regards to his money – can’t matter that much. You will do with your own money what you care about, and what matters to you, but if Guy doesn’t care about legacy or gifting, you don’t want to find it offensive, you just want to find a way to help him reach the goals he does care about.
That brings me to something important to consider. When advisors talk about holistic planning, they bring up legacy and gifting as part of the process and many times it matters quite a bit. But, it’s best to inquire with your audience first to make sure it matters to them, and not just to you. There are people who made their money and might want to spend the rest of their years running through it! I’m not advocating for it as a practice; I’m saying because we’re in the business and we “know what’s best,” we can sometimes overlook what someone else might consider to be important.
Adopt an objective attitude with Guy. You don’t need to invite him over for dinner or go on vacation with him. You don’t have to be his friend. You do have to understand him and create a plan and process that matches who he is and how he’d like his life to be. I’m not suggesting he is right, or that you should like it, or that privately you shouldn’t have an opinion. Become more curious about where he is coming from and why he has the perspective he does. The more resistance you show, or distaste you have for Guy’s view, the more he will likely push you and rail against you. People with opposing values are like magnets with the opposite polarization. They push away instead of pulling together.
Share stories. Even if he doesn’t want to leave a legacy or gift money, if something happened to him that money would have to have a home and go somewhere. If you point out that possibility, without clear and thoughtful planning, it could even end up with his ex-wife, that might move him to action and to consider a different perspective.
Remember that you can always get off the Zoom or hang up the phone. Guy is not an integral part of your life. Drop your negativity toward him when the conversation ends, and don’t let it color the rest of your day.
The problem with most negative or difficult people is that they are the smallest percentage we deal with every day (in most cases), but they take up an inordinate amount of our mental and emotional energy. You aren’t going to change Guy’s views. Let go of the negative experiences you encounter with him as quickly as you can to protect yourself.
Dear Bev,
We have a now-single client who was part of a couple relationship we have had at our firm for almost 27 years. The husband passed away very suddenly at age 67, and the wife was left to dig through everything. Thanks to careful planning and our oversight on documents, it was a reasonably streamlined process to settle the estate and have her set up for the rest of her life.
The issue is that she is very ungrateful. Our relationship was very strong with her husband. She was always the second chair. But now that she oversees the money, she finds fault with absolutely everything we do. I understand this is her money, but I resent how aggressive and angry she is with my operations team. Do I put her in her place or just ask my team to understand she is possibly still grieving?
N.J.
Dear N.J.,
I appreciate your last line where you reference her possible grieving. I’ve found that most emotionally charged, negative reactions come from a fear-based place. She might be very scared about managing this money with her husband gone. She might have resentment that she was the “second chair” in the relationship, and she might need time to build her own relationship with all of you and have the same sort of trust her husband had with you.
If she is abusive to your team, then speak to her about it. Don’t be accusatory or negative back; just acknowledge this is a very difficult time for her and then ask her if she intends to come across as difficult as she is? Sometimes people don’t realize their style is offensive. They are trying to process something and it comes out as anger or impatience. Be kind but firm with her. Err on the side of trying to understand, not putting her in her place. In fairness, this is a new world for her, and she probably is feeling out of her element. Your firm is essential to her happiness and her money. It isn’t rational, and you are doing the best for her, but you can see how she is nervous and upset.
Of course, she might just be a person who is angry at the world and acts out her emotions with all of her service providers. Again, in this case I suggest kindly calling her out and asking her if this is what she wants to have as a relationship with your team. The customer/client is not always right. Sometimes you have to take a stand with a person who is repeatedly belligerent and nasty. Many times, with those types of personalities, they will back down and reconsider their approach.
Beverly Flaxington co-founded The Collaborative, a consulting firm devoted to business building for the financial services industry in 1995. The firm also founded and manages the Advisors Sales Academy. She is currently an adjunct professor at Suffolk University teaching undergraduate and graduate students Entrepreneurship and Leading Teams. Beverly is a Certified Professional Behavioral Analyst (CPBA) and Certified Professional Values Analyst (CPVA).
She has spent over 25 years in the investment industry and has been featured in Selling Power Magazine and quoted in hundreds of media outlets, including The Wall Street Journal, MSNBC.com, Investment News and Solutions Magazine for the FPA. She speaks frequently at investment industry conferences and is a speaker for the CFA Institute.
Beverly Flaxington is a practice management consultant. She answers questions from advisors facing human resource issues. To submit yours, email us here. 
