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We need money to survive, but financial abuse by a spouse will disrupt the balance of a relationship. This will lead to basic needs not getting met or divorce.
Every aspect of a marriage should be built on mutual trust, love, and respect. But as an attorney, I’ve counseled countless victims of financial abuse who have experienced none of these qualities in their partner. When clients come to me feeling helpless, my first goal is to open their eyes to the depth of the problem they face. After helping them understand they are not at fault for the actions of their partner, we come up with a plan for their future.
What is financial abuse?
As with any form of exploitation, financial abuse is recognized in the relationship's imbalance. Typically, one spouse will use controlling tactics, leaving the victim restricted and helpless. They depend on the abuser for financial survival or are responsible for the abuser’s financial wellbeing. This cycle can perpetuate because they have financial freedom of their own.
Recognizing the signs of financial abuse
Financial abuse can come in many forms. Some spouses are subtle in their methods, while others use more aggressive tactics:
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Restricting access to money: Someone attempting to gain control over their spouse may limit access to finances by refusing to open a joint checking account. The victim could also face a lack of transparency when attempting discussions about money.
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Refusing to work or contribute to household bills: By refusing to contribute financially, it places the entire financial burden on one spouse. (In a single-income household, this does not apply if there is an agreement between the two spouses.)
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Forbidding a spouse from earning money: On the other hand, a common form of manipulation is forbidding a spouse from finding a fulfilling job. Without earning income, it’s easier to justify silencing their voice in financial decisions.
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Hiding debts or assets: In a healthy financial marriage, spouses talk openly about all aspects of their financial health. A clear indicator of abuse is when one spouse hides anything from the other. The question remains: Why? Abusers hide information and manipulate to gain control. However, victims may also engage in hiding information out of fear of the abuser.
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Gambling and other risky behavior: Wasting money on gambling, frivolous spending, or even addictions will cause a major strain on a relationship. Often spouses find themselves not only emotionally supporting an addict, but financially supporting one, too.
Effects of financial abuse
Money’s function is to satisfy our everyday needs. We need it to pay for shelter, food, clothing, and other necessities. In a marriage, both partners should treat each other as trusted equals in their household’s financial health. When there is a breakdown of this balance, needs aren’t met. Couples may find themselves in debt, bills unpaid, cars repossessed, and their house foreclosed on. Emotionally, victims feel hopeless and stuck. Even if they know they can acknowledge their abusive situation, most don’t see a way out.
How financial abuse affects children
It’s impossible for the children of abusive relationships to not be affected. Even if they aren’t the target, kids still experience what happens emotionally between their parents. Experiencing abuse in any way will shatter the trust with their children parents should focus on building. Children who are victims of abuse are more likely to become addicted to drugs and alcohol as adults, and they are likely to continue the cycle of abuse in their own relationships.
If child protective services becomes aware of an abusive environment, they may decide to take the child out of the home for his or her own safety. Even if this is the safer option, the experience is incredibly traumatic for any child. The best way to protect your children is to remove them and yourself from any abusive situation as soon as possible.
What options does a victim of financial abuse have?
The sad truth is the only true way for the abuse to stop and marriage to stay intact is if the abusive spouse chooses to fully participate in a rehabilitation program. Without that level of commitment, the cycle is doomed to continue indefinitely. When the victim finally reaches their breaking point, their best option is to end the marriage.
To prepare for divorce, the victim should discuss with a legal counselor how he or she should protect their assets and create a financial plan. Provide the attorney with all details of the relationship, including the abuse, so they can create a case that offers the maximum protection under the law.
Final thoughts
Abuse creates a mindset of fear and hopelessness. It’s scary to take the first steps to end an abusive relationship. But with the right support, there are people to help every step of the way. An abusive marriage may feel lonely but becoming free from one doesn’t have to.
Lyle Solomon has considerable litigation experience as well as substantial hands-on knowledge and expertise in legal analysis and writing. Since 2003, he has been a member of the State Bar of California. In 1998, he graduated from the University of the Pacific's McGeorge School of Law in Sacramento, California, and now serves as a principal attorney for the Oak View Law Group in Rocklin, California.
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