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It’s automatic: There’s a death in a client’s family, so you send flowers to the funeral home. Did you ever wonder whether that’s a good idea? Given that your aim is to be supportive and comforting to the grieving family, a lovely floral arrangement does not necessarily accomplish that goal.
The negatives:
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We appreciate beauty less in times of grief
Our brains are wired to satisfy our most basic needs first and then work up to higher levels of cognition. The fact that I feel better when I see a vase of fresh-cut flowers is an upper-level cognitive appreciation of beauty. If, however, I was stranded in a lifeboat in the ocean and those same flowers dropped into my lap, I would not appreciate them, because my brain switched to the most basic level of surviving.
When we grieve, our brains go into survival mode and concentrate on the logistics of getting through the experience intact. Though your clients will briefly acknowledge the attractiveness of a bouquet, it will not have the hoped-for cognitive effect usually triggered by flowers or beauty.
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The law of diminishing returns
Even in the best of times, the first bouquet of flowers your clients receive will get the strongest reaction. Each successive bouquet is increasingly less satisfying. By the time they see eight or 10 bouquets, they will have little to no reaction.
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Simply standard procedure
Giving flowers runs the risk of leaving a negative impression if clients suspect it is an automatic response. They are aware the act requires no more than a general instruction to your administrative assistant to send flowers whenever a client is affected by death.
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Creating a nuisance
In practical terms, the family has little or no use for the overflowing number of flowers. Grieving families tell me they feel guilty leaving them behind, knowing people spent so much money on them. They wish they could take the arrangements home, and they feel inadequate because they can’t care properly for so many flowers. Some have told me, “It’s just one more thing that’s going to die.” Funeral homes have policies and procedures in place, often sending the flowers to nursing homes, hospitals and other facilities, but the family has no connection to that process. In other words, despite your best intentions, you will be creating a problem for the family at a time when they have enough other problems.
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The perception of marketing
Advisors tell me they have to send flowers because their competitors will. Many view large bouquets as public relations, reflecting positively on the firm to other people who attend the services. Flowers thereby become a marketing ploy, with each firm vying for attention. But that negates your primary purpose of offering the best support possible to a grieving family. Resist the urge to use this situation to expand your reach or market to others. It isn’t very effective anyway. Few mourners will call your firm because they saw your banner on an impressive array of flowers at a funeral home.
For all these reasons, sending flowers to the funeral home is not your best option. There are several better alternatives.
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Personal presence
If possible, always attend the wake, visitation, shiva or other service. You can’t go wrong by being there, but you can easily offend a client by failing to show up. If it is impossible to attend, send someone who will express your condolences for you.
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Send a meaningful condolence card
Hand-write your message and send it a couple of days after the funeral. Do not mention business. Instead, offer a memory of the deceased, an understanding that grief takes a long time and a pledge to be there to support them as they move into a different future.
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Ongoing cards, gifts, and other gestures
Use the money you would have spent on flowers to create a living legacy to your client’s loved one and to support your client over the long haul.
Examples:
- Make a donation in memory of the deceased to a charity the family supports.
- Send several follow-up cards through the first year and beyond, especially on birthdays, anniversaries and other meaningful days.
- Send flowers at other times, knowing that your client will appreciate a small bouquet on the three-month anniversary of the death more than another arrangement at the funeral home.
- Give a gift certificate for coffee, chocolates, a massage or lunch at a restaurant.
- Give helpful books on grief, especially those directly related to the client’s situation.
- Offer to pay for a session with a grief coach or psychologist.
Perhaps you will still decide to send flowers after a death. If so, don’t let it substitute for personal presence, and consider adding in some of the alternative ideas as well. Those actions provide genuine support while truly distinguishing you as an advisor who cares and is worth your client’s loyalty. The family will spread the word of your thoughtful, individualized attention more effectively than any banner across a bouquet.
Amy Florian is CEO of Corgenius, a training and consulting firm specializing in times of transition, loss, and grief. She is the author of over 90 articles and the book “No Longer Awkward: Communicating with Clients through the Toughest Times of Life.”
Read more articles by Amy Florian
