What To Say When Someone is Lying

Reclaim the truth, and reclaim your value as an advisor. When you accept ideas that have no relationship to reality, you forfeit your own power and invite everyone – your clients, prospects, vendors, employees – to push you around.

Stop getting pushed around, blown off, and degraded in value.

You are not being a jerk by forcing people to face the truth. You’re being strong, virtuous, and rare.

Here are five ways to get you and your counterpart (“the liar”) past the nonsense (the “liar’s wall”) and into the realm of a reality where things make sense.

1. Use analogies

A few weeks ago, I was in a meeting with my state senator’s office. I’m fighting against porn in NYC schools. Believe it or not, this is a fight that needs to be had, as the porn industry is immensely profitable, which is why it is taking over America.

And the whole time I’m talking, the staffer (we’ll call her Ms. Ambivalent) has this look on her face like she couldn’t care less, uttering every single “lawyerly dodge” in the book.

The height of her blowing me off was when she suggested that I join a national non-profit group to advocate for the cause. This was very triggering.

Embroiled, I look straight at Ms. Ambivalent and let her have it:

Me: A 64-year-old woman recently got shot in the head and killed two blocks from here, in your district. If I were sitting here asking you for tighter gun laws, you wouldn’t refer me to a non-profit like Everytown, would you?

Ms. Ambivalent: No.

Me: Because it’s not their job to create policies that defend the taxpayers of this district. That’s your job. Am I right about that?

Ms. Ambivalent: Yes.

Me: So why is it any different when it comes to kids, our society’s most vulnerable members? That’s the point of the law, isn’t it?

You should have seen the look on Ms. Ambivalent’s face.

Use analogies to expose the gap in logic behind someone’s lie. This is especially useful when someone is suggesting a course of action that is ridiculous, to avoid doing something they don’t want to do (“I have no plans to retire, I’ll just run my business until I die, lol”).

2. Job description reminder

Way back long ago, when I used to be an advisor, there was this one family that had no life insurance and two young kids. I’m sitting there in the meeting with the wife (husband is at work) and she’s making every excuse about how she can’t schedule the exam without the husband.

This struck a chord with me. I love all children.

I get psycho:

Miriam, I’m sorry but I cannot accept that you have to get Avi’s approval to get life insurance when you have two young children.

He’s not the one who carried those babies for nine months, who nursed them and swaddled them and held them in your arms all night.

You did.

You are the mother.

You are the protector.

You are the one who is to care for those babies until your last breath, to fight with your mind and your soul and your body and every last breath in your body. So who cares what your husband says about that? That is your number one priority in life as their mother.

You, not Avi.

You, Miriam.

People don’t like being held accountable. When you do this, deliver it with a force and confidence that cannot be contested, or don’t do it at all.

3. Expand the inconsistencies of the lie

When people lie, they get caught up and don’t see the big picture of how their lie, if it were true, would have resulted in a clearly ludicrous set of circumstances. By forcing them to construct a scenario that would have existed if the lie were true, you expose the inconsistencies.

I absolutely love this hilarious clip (see frame 1:53 to frame 2:42) of Senator Josh Hawley destroying Kroger’s CEO William Rodney McMullen.

Hawley: Has your company ever fired an employee or disciplined an employee for their religious beliefs?

McMullen: Um, not that I’m aware of (clearly squirming).

Hawley: Well, that’s interesting because Senator Cotton just read at some length into the record of an EEOC lawsuit, that’s a government lawsuit, which your company just settled after an adverse ruling by a federal district court in which you apparently took disciplinary action to the extent of firing employees in Arkansas based upon their religious beliefs. Do you think that’s workplace inclusion?

😂😂😂

McMullen: As I told Senator Cotton, I personally was not aware of the details of that (lawyerly dodge).

Hawley: How is that possible? You’re being sued by the federal government. You settled the suit, and you don’t know about it?

McMullen: No, I do not always know about it.

Hawley: (shocked expression) Well that’s… that’s extraordinary! Do your shareholders know about that? What else do you not know about?

What Senator Hawley has done nicely here is to zoom out. McMullen denies that he knew about the lawsuit, so Hawley then exposes how ridiculous it would have been for:

• The suit to be settled without him knowing;

• It being publicized to the extent the shareholders know about it, while McMullen doesn’t; and

• The CEO to not be aware of a major event such as a lawsuit.

The liar wants the focus to be on the lie. To get through the liar’s wall, broaden the focus to the big picture and expose the gaps in logic.

4. Clarify the simplicity of the outcome you want

With liars, the more you let them talk, the more opportunity you give them to divert attention away from “the truth” and into the realm of fantasy (“my truth”). Here’s how to win over them: Clarify the fact that you are seeking a simple answer to the question you posed.

Me: That mammogram was part of my annual checkup. It shouldn’t be billed.

Insurance company: No, the bill amount is $73.71.

Me: Pull up the benefits schedule. Is the word “mammogram” displayed on the annual checkup list?

Insurance company: We billed you for this a month ago.

Me: Answer the question, please.

Insurance company: It’s not in my system. In order to see the benefits schedule, I have to get an override. I have to ask my boss, Manny, and he’s on lunch break.

Me: I’m sorry. So your answer is yes, or no?

Insurance company: The bill is for $73.71. You have to pay this by April 15.

Me: Can I just get a yes or no? This should be pretty simple. Is the word “mammogram” on the annual benefits schedule?

Insurance company: Seems like that should be part of your annual checkup.

Me: Thanks, that’s very kind of you. But can you please answer my question? I need a yes or a no. Very easy.

Insurance company: Yes, I see it here. It’s on the list.

It can become a game of cat and mouse, but you have to be tough. The liar has to realize that you are not going to just go away because a question makes them uncomfortable.

Get an answer.

Keep reminding them of the simplicity of the response you seek until they give it to you.

5. Acknowledge they are lying, tactfully

Watch Senator John Kennedy interviewing Sarah Bloom Raskin starting in frame 0:20 of this clip.

Kennedy: And you say, “That’s great. But we ought to let oil and gas companies go broke.” (long pause). Did you really mean that?

Raskin: Well thank you, Senator Kennedy.

Kennedy: You’re welcome.

Raskin: For that question. And the Federal Reserve has particular mandates –

Kennedy: Yes ma’am, and I know about all that. But did you, I mean did you mean it? I mean, you said it -I have it here, big as Dallas. I read the op-ed…

Raskin: So I have been clear on my views. The whole point of the op-ed was that the Fed should not pick winners and losers.

Kennedy: Except for oil and gas. You said they ought to be allowed to go broke.

Raskin: The Fed should not pick or favor any sector at all.

Kennedy: Then why did you say it?

Raskin: The Fed is not in the business of choosing winners and losers.

Kennedy: Then why did you recommend to them that they let oil and gas go broke?

Raskin: I did not recommend that they let –

Kennedy: Yes ma’am. I read the op-ed. There it is!...

Raskin: Senator Kennedy, I want you to understand the role of, the proper role of, the Federal Reserve. The Federal Reserve should not be choosing winners and losers.

Kennedy: Yes ma’am. So you disagree with the editorial?...Dr. Raskin, you said it. You ought to own it. Okay? You ought to own it…you ought to own what you said. I’d respect you more if you did.

There were a few things that Kennedy did well in this line of questioning.

He didn’t let Raskin redirect the dialogue into her control (“my truth”) and away from admitting that she is backpedaling on something she once wrote. She tried numerous times to go into an explanation of how the Federal Reserve works and he immediately stopped her, sometimes even interrupting her.

At first. he gave her the opportunity to explain that she said to let the oil and gas industry go broke. She refuses to do this once. He asks her again and she refuses to admit it a second time. He interrupts her. Every business coach in the world will tell you to never interrupt anyone. I agree except in cases where someone is obviously lying, because continuing to allow them to recite a false narrative is both exhausting and confusing.

He then quickly and directly calls her out for not admitting she said something that she no longer believes in (“so you disagree?” and “you ought to own it”).

He spoke slowly and used long pauses to draw suspense.

He remains respectful throughout, calling her “ma’am” and upholding his manners.

He criticized her actions, not her as a person. You don’t have to execute a full-fledged character assassination to make a point.

This is something people do not do enough of. As Kennedy demonstrated, it is very powerful to hold someone accountable for what they said, or when someone is avoiding answering a question. Do this in a healthy way that doesn’t alienate you or them, but creates the foundation for the next logical stage of the argument.

Don’t make it a “gotcha”

After you catch the liar in a lie, don’t rub their face in it. Quickly move to a solution. The purpose of exposing a lie is to improve the situation.

Once I had this 18-year-old babysitter who showed up on my doorstep with her friend. She lied and said it was someone she was babysitting whose mom didn’t come pick her up on time. The “kid” must have been 16 years old.

Yes, like I said, people tell me all kinds of ridiculous lies.

The next day, I got her on the phone and said this:

Gloria, I think you and I both know that Clarita is your friend and not someone you were babysitting. I know it’s hard when you feel like you can’t be honest with someone you just met, and that you didn’t want to cancel at the last minute. But for safety reasons, I just can’t have random teenagers around my kids.

I’d still like you to babysit this Tuesday, as we had planned (I didn’t have another sitter for that night). But if you do decide to come, it has to be just you. And cut out the lying because like I said, we need to be honest and open with each other.

The point of exposing someone lying isn’t to make it a game of “gotcha.” It can be fulfilling, but who has time for that? Make the effort if the matter is worth pursuing. You want to make progress to the other side of the liar’s wall and improve the situation by the truth. And once you get the truth, make progress – don’t just gloat and placate your own ego.

Sara’s upshot

To grow your practice, here are some marketing tools that will help you communicate in a non-BS way.

LinkedIn messaging ebook
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I’ve got a crew who respects transparency, clarity, fairness, and logic. We meet once a month.

Join the Transparent Advisor Movement. We’re having an in person meetup in Chicago 2024 and would love to see you there.

Thanks for spending some time here with me today. See you next month.

Sara Grillo, CFA, is a marketing consultant who helps investment management, financial planning, and RIA firms fight the tendency to scatter meaningless clichés on their prospects and bore them as a result. Prior to launching her own firm, she was a financial advisor.

Sources

[Forbes Breaking News]. (2022, 2 December). [Video]. YouTube. Josh Hawley Asks CEOs Point Blank If They’ve Ever Fired An Employee For Their Religious Beliefs. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VwvUvL_zkPA

[Forbes Breaking News]. (2022, 6 February). [Video]. YouTube. 'You Said It, You Ought To Own It -- I'd Respect You More': John Kennedy Grills Biden Nominee. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vImbbG5pXL8

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